"Forever Yours"

“Alright, come on girlie, lace up those boots and let’s get going.”
“Hold on, geezum, what’s your hurry?”
“Well,” he came up close to her, whispering into his lover’s ear. “You hurry, we can get up there and start having fun.”
“Oh, hmm,” she gazed at him curiously. “And what exactly did you have in mind?”
“The only thing separating us from a weekend alone is this mountain. Let’s go!”
“Okay, okay,” she jumped off their truck’s tailgate, rushing over into his arms. “Mike, this was a great idea. You, me, us together for the weekend to do whatever we want.”
“Jen, come on, we don’t get moving I might have my way with you right here.”
“I might like that,” she kissed him, slipping her tongue into his mouth.
“You would, let’s go.”
They had wanted; no needed a time like this together. This pair, they had been together for two years, in about 12 hours. Mike had known a quiet place here in Northern New York, close to their college campus, and they decided together that this was the perfect way to celebrate.
Although young, Mike and Jen shared a love that most would laugh at if explained. They went everywhere together, trying as they would to schedule their classes so their down time could be spent together. They were a couple that others compared themselves against, girlfriends and boyfriends of other relationships always looked at one another, saying both playfully and seriously “Why can’t we be more like them?”
But no matter what others thought, there was already a plan for Mike and Jen to prove them all wrong. “Hey, Jen?” Mike would echo, late in the night as they lay together. “We should run away together, leave this world behind and just say goodbye to all we know.”
“But where would we go?” she would ask, always knowing the answer.
“Anywhere, somewhere new where neither one of us know a thing.”
Those words brought them to the base of this mountain, stretching high into the Adirondack sky. The relationship had always pushed both of them into risky business. Here they were, in the mountains, where no one could find them. But why would they bother?
“So you sure you know where we’re going?” Jen said.
“Yes, yes sweetheart,” Mike replied, full of himself. “Ripp said that we find this marker and follow the path. His family uses this cabin every summer.”
“Ugh, I’m still really not happy about that Ripp. He’s not straight in the head.”
“So he likes to have fun, so what?”
“You call being drunk six days a week and sleeping the seventh day and constantly being drugged up fun?”
“For him maybe, but who am I to judge?”
“Yea, but it’s hard to trust a guy like that.”
“I know, but he’s been right about other things, so let’s just forget about him. Look at the trees and tell me you’re thinking about anything except tomorrow.”
“You’re right,” Jen said, lost in the forest around them. The seasons were changing, the greens turning into reds and yellows and oranges of autumn. All around them the world was getting ready for the long sleep and harsh winter that was coming.
“I love you,” Mike said, grabbing Jen by the hand. “Who else would ever do anything like this? You are the only one that could make me this happy. Can you believe that it has been two years already?”
“Time is a funny thing, it always has been,” she replied.
“You’re right. I’m glad that all this time has been spent with you. I love you.”
“I love you, Mike.”
They continued to trudge up the path. They stopped at a small stream, watching small minnows dash back and forth below the banks. “Watch this,” Mike said, crouching down and moving slowly to the water’s edge.
“What are you doing?” Jen called out. She had gotten used to all the random things he did.
“Shh, wait,” he called back. Then, he plunged both hands into the water, splashing it all over himself. “I have a present for you.”
“Oh no,” Jen was nervous but laughing. As Mike walked closer, she laughed more, wondering just what he was doing.
“Here you go,” he held out his hands, close to her body, moving his top hand. A frog waited in the other, staring at Jen. Then, it leapt out of Mike’s hands right onto Jen’s chest.
“Ahh!” she screamed, jumping backwards and swatting her chest. “You little piece of-”
“Hey, hey,” Mike cut her off, laughing loudly.
“You’re a piece of something alright.”
Mike was still chuckling. “You love me.”
“You’re lucky I do.”
For the next hour, they walked, Mike laughing every now and then to remind Jen of the look of surprise on her face. One thing that never lacked between them was communication. The thing that drove them closer together was that they never had a moment of silence. Their fears, passion, all were shared. This made them inseparable.
But now there were more fears that no moment of talking could cleanse. “Mike?” Jen broke in. “Where are we?”
“We have to be getting close,” Mike was clearly nervous. The sky was changing. The wind was picking up. A storm was coming.
“Jen, listen, let’s just keep walking, fast. By the way, is it supposed to rain up here?”
“No clue, why?”
“Look at the sky, it’s getting dark.” They could both see through the trees that clouds were coming in. They were in trouble. “Come on,” Mike said again, taking her by the hand. “We’ve gotta move.”
They moved at a quicker pace. The trees began to sway further as the wind howled louder around them. Soon, the clouds had moved over them, and rain fell over their bodies.
“Mike! Mike what are we going to do?”
“I don’t know we need to find a place to stay dry.” But where? “There!” Mike pointed towards a pine tree. “Go, go get under the branches.”
“Mike you’re nuts!” Jen protested, climbing under the broad branches of the tree. “Shit, Mike, shit! Where’s the cabin? Why did you ever listen to that Ripp, dumb fuck, why would you listen to him? Now what? Now what do we do?”
“Jen, hold on a second,” he calmed her, holding out his hand. “Look, there’s no rain under here. Right now, we are as wet as we’ll get. Take out your pocket knife and help me clear out some of these branches so we don’t hit our heads.”
“Why are we, how long do you plan on being in here?” Jen protested again.
“Baby, I have no idea,” Mike was grabbing branches, trying to break them. “It’s dark, it’s raining, we have to prepare for anything right now.”
“Okay, but look, don’t throw them, pile them out here with these needles,” she started to pile the needles under the tree around the edges. “Keeps the water out.”
“Now you’re thinking. That’s my baby.” Together they cleared out an area where they could rest, and remain dry under the old pine. “Why do we always find a way to make each trip an adventure?” Mike asked.
“Because trips are boring,” Jen giggled. “We are an adventurous couple that just can’t stay out of trouble.”
“We know how to have fun, huh?”
“We sure do,” Jen replied, pushing up the last bit of pine needles. “That ought to keep us nice and comfy.” She crawled over to Mike’s lap, curling her body into his.
“I’m sorry Jen,” he said, running his fingers through her hair.
“For what?” she answered, sitting up and looking into his eyes. “Baby, none of this is your fault.”
“No, but the trip was.”
“Mike,” she slowed down, her hand touching his face. “This trip is the best thing we have ever done. No amount of rain is going to change that. This is an adventure, and there’s no one I would rather be spending it with but you.”
“You’re sweet Jen.”
“This rain won’t let up will it?”
“Doesn’t seem like it, you got a watch?”
“Yea,” she reached deep in her bag. “It’s getting late. Told you we should’ve left earlier,” she said sarcastically, trying to make Mike feel guilty.
“Well,” he replied. “I’m not sorry anymore. I mean, come on, do you really regret getting stuck like this?”
“No, but I do regret not being in a nice warm bed with our bodies curled together.”
“But we’re here now, right?”
“Right,” she answered.
“Right, I guess we are, so how are we gunna get warm?”
“Well, you know,” she placed her hand on his leg, rubbing it gently. “We did come up here for a reason.”
“Jen, Jen come on,” he said, grabbing her hand, pulling her in close to him. “Look around, it’s getting dark, we’re under a tree, do you really want to do that here?”
“Well why not?” her voice was soft and sensual. She moved closer, whispering into his ear. “We have, after all, done it in a lot of strange places; this would just be another one for the list.”
“Jen,” he whispered back, kissing her on the lips. “Let’s get some light here and get warm.”
“Ugh, if you insist,” she leaned back, disappointment in her voice. “Okay party pooper, what did you have in mind?”
“Well, let’s make a fire.”
“Sweetheart that’s what I was trying to get going.”
“”Jen, let’s dig a hole and put some of these branches and needles in and light a fire. Let’s make dinner.”
“Dinner?”
“Yea, look,” Mike reached for his backpack, pulling out a box of graham crackers. “I’ve got marshmallows and chocolate in here. Want smores?”
“Some more what?”
“Ha, you’re cute, and funny and oh so delicious,” he joked back. They always had moments like this, Jen playing with the word Mike shot out at her, and laughter would follow that brought them closer. “Okay, want one or no?”
“Yea,” she said, helping him get all the snacks out of the bag. They dug a hole, pushing all the dirt aside, filled it with pine branches and lit a fire. “Oh, that feels so much better.”
“Come here baby,” they pulled themselves together, putting marshmallows on sticks and toasting them. “Here, here,” they smashed the two gooey marshmallows between chocolate and crackers, reaching and feeding them to each other.
“These are … good,” Jen pushed out, trying to get the words out between chews.
“Yea, first class meal.”
The shadows danced around them, the flames flickering about. “It’s beautiful isn’t it?” Jen whispered her attention caught up in the fire. “It reminds me of us.”
“How so?” “our passion, and eternal flame dancing in the night. Can you feel the heat coming off such a little fire? Our relationship Mike, it is so powerful, like that little flame. There is so much energy.” She sat up, looking directly into him, seeing deep inside him. “But our flame, our love, will never die. Our fire will never burn out, rather burn on and on for all time.” She pressed her lips against his. “Mike, I love you.”
The fire that rose within them burned hotter than any flame. Their attraction was still as strong as the day they met. Together, they lay in the bed of passion under the tree. The wind whirled outside and the rain still blanketed the forest. With every movement, the fire roared next to them. Their love was unlike any seen, and the intensity left them separated from the world. In the darkness they lay in love, listening to the tress dancing in the wind.
“I love you goober,” even in a time like this, she still had her sense of humor, and the ability to put a smile on Mike’s face. “You know, if you listen, the rain is kinda romantic.” She leaned up, kissing his cheek.
“You know, you’re right. The rain, it’s soothing.” Mike rested his body against the trunk of the tree, Jen, resting her head in his chest.
“I can really hear your heartbeat.”
“Each one is for you sweetheart,” he returned, kissing her forehead.
“Mike, you’re everything to me.”
“Jen, I love you so much, and that’s why I want to give you something.” He reached for his backpack. “Jen, I promised you something a while back. Baby, do you know what time it is?”
“Um, let me check my watch. Wow, it’s midnight.”
“Exactly. Jen, today is our two year anniversary. I love you so much and for as long as we have been together, I have fallen deeper and deeper in love with you. We have been through so much together, and there’s a reason I wanted to bring you up here. Today has been an adventure for sure, but we are together. The only thing I have ever wanted from you was a life together.
“Jen, I am ready to spend the rest of my life with you.” He pulled out a small box, raising himself off the ground and onto his knees. “I want our life together to start right now under this tree.”
Mike opened the box, and inside showed a diamond ring.
“Jen, you are everything to me, and you are the one I want to give everything to. Will you give me that chance? Will you marry me?”
“Oh Mike,” she covered her mouth, trying to hold back the tears welling up in her eyes. “Yes.”

"For that Moment"

A fork, oh man where the hell is a fork? All I need is a damn fork so I can get back to her and eat my damn mac n’ cheese! I have been waiting all day for night to come. Ten o’clock- the flood gates open and there’s a sea of hungry college kids. Getting a “Late Night” meal just makes me sleep better during the week. What better way to wash away the stresses of class and homework with one of a hundred different forms of fried food. Now, if only I could eat-
“Chuck?” I looked behind me. Just a dining hall full of college kids stuffing their faces and grumbling about their days. Nothing different, I must be losing my mind. Okay focus, I’ve got to get back to Jess before she gets impatient.
“Chuck Call?” I heard again.
Alright, I must be losing my mind. Looking again, my eyes landed on a table of gazing girls. They all stared back at me, mouths reaching for the table. I didn’t get it, what was-
“Chuck Call, how nice to see you! I remember you mentioning that you were going to school here,” she said in such a familiar voice. No wonder I didn’t recognize her right away. She was a farm raised, blonde haired girl the last time I saw her. But now, here sat a woman whose hair was black as the night sky. I tried, but only on a third look did I realize who she was. She was the kind of girl not afraid to get dirty, living for her early years beside livestock and mud. This was a girl whose smile would cripple you, and whose accuracy with a .22 caliber riffle made you think twice about crossing her the wrong way. Her mind was sharp, and her body strong from the years of labor. But one thing made me remember, her piercing royal blue eyes that cut into me. I was paralyzed.
“Oh, my,” I stuttered along, unaware of where I even was anymore. “Rachael, how, um, nice to see you heeere,” ah, my voice cracked. I had not set eyes on this girl for nearly two years. What was she doing here? I’m in college, hours away from our tiny home town down state. I had run away, as fast as I could, from the life I used to live. I never expected all of my past to pour back so suddenly, and yet, here she-
“Well, I’m up visiting some friends and popped in here to get some chicken wings and have some fun at college.”
“Oh, cool, cool,” god I sound stupid. Of course that’s why she’s here, just eating chicken wings. Half the kids in this place are stuffing their faces trying to reduce the effect of their hangovers in the morning. It is after all, midnight on Friday in my cozy little college town, so why is she-
“How has everything been going? It’s really been awhile since I’ve seen you,” she broke into my thoughts. Coming from any other person it seems the answers would have just flowed out. Okay, relax; just tell her you’ve been good, studying hard so I don’t get kicked out of this place. Tell her about your new girlfriend, how you been living it up at college. Okay, now say it. Forget about the late nights you spent together, the night you drove your father’s old beat up Chevy into the woods to a secluded spot and parked for hours. Forget that that night had no conversation, because there was no breath for any words to be spoken. Tell her you’re good, grades are up and it’s good to see her. Ask her how her little sister is doing, the one that made you laugh so hard, and about her mom that made those delicious cookies.
“Well, everything has been good I guess.” You guess? How could I be freezing up like this and why are my knees shaking so much? Stop! Stop thinking of the day you met, in that dimly lit basement with all of your friends. You knew it, you knew she was great and everyone saw on your face how you felt. Even your relationship with another didn’t stop you. No, stop thinking about all those phone calls, and the way they suddenly stopped when you realized loyalties were being questioned.
“That’s good,” she continued. “I was just talking with my girlfriends here about how great a school this is.”
“Yea,” I hesitated. “It’s a great place to be.” I kept tripping over my words. I could feel sweat on my back, if only she knew how I was choking up.
“Are you okay?” she asked. Why? Don’t I seem okay? I’m not thinking of the day you called me, six months removed from our sudden silence. I’m not thinking of how you saved me from a time of distress, even if you never knew how. I’m not thinking about how you turned tears into hope and laughter. No, I’m not thinking of our summer love, when I fell so deeply for you. I’m not thinking of the little kids who discovered us laying on a beach together, to their parents’ obvious disapproval. I am not thinking of that same night when we locked ourselves in your mother’s van and in the morning discovered her disapproval as well. No dear Rachael, I am not thinking of the summer heat filling my tiny bedroom when we lay in my bed, and you became my first.
“Yea, yea, I’m fine,” I was clearly trying to convince myself, too. This girl never knew the feelings I had, the fake I love you on her back stoop just to here it back. What she never realized was the time it took me to finally forget those words. “Listen, I’m really sorry, but I have someone waiting for me and I need to go. Have fun while you’re here.”
“Oh, okay, you, you, too,” she stammered back, surprised. I could barely hear her words I was gone so quick. How could I be such a fool? I walked across the dining hall, back to Jess, back to my safe place. All along the way I tried to repress the feeling of that day when we drove to her house in silence, when I knew something was wrong. I wasn’t thinking at all about the night we sat on the phone, my eyes welled in tears because she said good bye.
“Who was that?” Jess asked me when I reached her.
“No one, just a girl in one of my classes,” I told her, nervousness under my words. “Here, I got you a fork.”

Decisions

Write about decisions that impacted my life. I would have to say that this was one of the worst assignments I had to write about. Why? Because it went beyond the past two years when all of my important decisions have taken place. I look at school, here at Potsdam, and that decision was monumental. I had dove head first into relationships that would last forever, bull, and then had to stand up and watch them collapse. I had a wonderful girlfriend that was there for every important change in the past year for me, and promised to be there for all the rest, until she decided differently. My future developed, my life became clear, and this all happened in the past year. This was everything, right?
I sat in the laundry room, staring at the washing machine and the dryers and I started to reflect. I started to realize that my life, well it was a terrible and wonderful, lucky and unfortunate life that has been lived, full of second chances and opportunities that were left unnoticed. Living only two years, I found myself struggling for life. My mother told me once that I had flat-lined on the hospital bed, only by miracle being resuscitated. Decision to live.
I remember sitting on the school bus, long ago when I was not quite mature. Next to me sat a great girl, whom I had known for a few years and considered one of my best
friends. Then on the other side of me was a young boy, who mocked her constantly. I sat, joining his teasing, to the point where she cried. Later in life, she became my best friend, always the one to pull me out of the mud. Decision to be popular. Decision to risk my future.
I have a permanent welt on my forehead from May 21, 1998, the day I met the best person to ever walk into my life. My brother, Casey James, was brought into the world. Decisions of others, bringing me the joy of life.
I have fought against the forces of tyranny in my own household. I have made friends with the brown eyes of a four legged animal. I have lied and cheated my way through relationships, risking the souls and lives of friends that I would never be able to replace. I have been mistrusted for the act of cheating, losing a great friend in the process. I have seen all the possible deaths a family can have, short of watching a member of my immediate family pass, watching the torture and uncertainty that fills the voices and eyes of each family member. Suicide, homicide, accidents and overdoses, each and all. I have stopped the best people in my life from committing the same acts, pushing to help them overcome, and have seen others simply succumb to the torture. I have stood in the eyes of hundreds to say good bye, and have hidden in the corner when I am in a crowd. Decisions to simply live beyond all the odds, and survive.
Second chances, lost opportunities, all decisions that have affected all of us. How do you decide one that truly reflects you?

Letters from a Freshman:

This month, my first here at SUNY Potsdam, has been so revealing and such a personal experience. All you reading this that are beyond freshman year know the empty feeling, even if you refuse to admit it, and the broken feeling of suddenly being away from the family that was the norm for so long. Now I reflect, thinking of my little dog looking at me from the driveway as my mother pulled the family van out of the driveway, one month ago, the last time I have seen my house.
I think about the phone calls, and think about the times my mother and father both told me that the most important part of college was academic. Sure, to a length, it may be true, but who are they kidding. As a student, academics have taken a step back to this thing they call life.
But look at what happens here, not just to me, but often collectively. Family is suddenly out of reach, mother is no longer here to take care of laundry, gas money is strictly my responsibility and suddenly I am hit with the realization that I am officially independent. Is this what the colonials went through after the Revolution, experience a period of searching, a period of wonder, of realization?

Picturesc

There have been many times where the thought of a story would peer into my brain and shortly after run away to coward again in the corner. What stories do I have to tell? What separates me from the rest of the crowd in a way that makes you actually sit here now and read this?
To keep the answers short, I’ll simply say that I am an ordinary individual that lives by the ideals of the everyday, that each morning may be my last and all I can hope for in the end is one more day, just one more day to live, love and laugh the sun away.
So since there is no story to tell, I’ll say this. I am a college student in the great SUNY system, Potsdam to be exact, chosen over three highly better schools, but the liberal education and lifestyle of the staff and the concert waiting to happen living keeps me active, attentive and aware. For once, I am not bored with my surroundings, maybe because each turn presents a new adventure. I write this on the Christmas break of my freshman year in college, now a graduate of semester one and waiting the grueling semester that lay ahead for me in the upcoming months. I hope to finally travel overseas next year as a sophomore, to Hungary of all places, but who the hell knows? I may as well just study in England; at least I’ll know the language.
No my story is not an interesting one, but there are the stories out there that must be told. I stood in the dark shadows of a bus station not long before this vacation back home and discussed photographs with a man that has been in the business for decades. I was amazed by the art work that lay before me in the pages of his portfolio. But only when he started to tell the stories behind them, a fire in his building where only a small set of negatives were recovered, revealing a spectacular photo of a beautiful brunette on a ancient looking Jaguar sports car. This man had taken the pictures of dozens of individuals who had moved through the Potsdam school system that conducted music and had lived decades before.
I was pushed to thinking. If a picture of a leaf no bigger then a Canadian two dollar piece and a standing “Danish” wolfhound were so stunning, was it because of the visuals or because of the mesmerizing stories that followed them? I have always had dreams of raveling, to knocking on doors of people I had never met before and listening to the paths these people have followed to where they are standing at that very moment, captures by a spotlight and a lens.
All that I can recall are the pictures at the front of this portfolio, where all the dreams began. They are of me and someone special in my life, years ago and young in the evening sun. There are countless stories that lay in her delicate smile and inviting eyes. The starlit nights and snow covered mornings all but encompassed my teenage hood and made a future in me. I hope that this will stretch to the people who see them and realize the stories are of people who finally had them told, unlike the millions that lay quiet.